Walking the Center Line

Amidst all of the divisiveness we see everywhere, every day, I cannot help but be struck with a disturbing awareness of the constant creation of an us-versus-them mentality. We seem terribly focused on our differences, as though our similarities have ceased to matter, or are at the very least, irritating factors somehow to be discounted in the face of the “truth”. In almost every case this divisiveness both derives from and helps to create extreme polarization. It appears that the extremes of every disagreement are the only places anyone inhabits anymore. As a result, few of us are happy, and all of us are stressed.

Years ago, I when I was studying to get my Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, part of the course-work involved being trained in Gestalt Therapy. Studying the tenets of this philosophy opened my eyes to many things and really helped me to interpret my experiences and beliefs in a way that made much more sense and helped me to see the world around me more clearly and truthfully. One of the most cogent of all the things I learned at this time was that in people, and in situations, truth almost always lies near the center between the poles.

This was brought to me to me in a very personal way. I have always striven to be a good, kind person and realize that I do make the choice to act compassionately in almost every instance. However, at the time I was in Gestalt Training, part of the work involved being in group therapy every week. Since everyone in the group was a therapist, it meant that no one ever got away with anything and made for some very difficult, but necessary, self-revelations for all of us. At this time in my life, I had convinced myself that I had no capacity whatsoever for hatred… after all, I didn’t and couldn’t hate anyone, right? I had proved that over and over. During group however, that notion was challenged as an excellent example of denial, and more importantly, something that stood in the way of my being a fully integrated person. Of course I fought against this, fearing that if I accepted it, my whole sense of self would disintegrate. In fact, just the opposite took place. What I was made to understand was that my capacity for love was balanced by my capacity for hatred. Accepting that reality suddenly made my consistent choices to act in a loving way much more significant because they were, in fact, choices.

I realized that I did indeed have a strong capacity for hatred, but that the hatred was never directed at people, but rather at situations and beliefs that resulted in people’s being endangered, harmed or disenfranchised. By accepting that I had both poles within me, it gave me the power to access both, and in doing so helped me to realize that I could heal people individually through my love, while helping to heal people in general through my hatred for injustice and bigotry. In other words, I could bring the totality of who I am to bear.

As I have progressed on my spiritual journey, and embraced the Buddhist philosophy of loving-kindness, I have come to realize that the concept of non-judgment meshes very well with what I discovered about myself. At the outset, let me say that in my opinion true non-judgmentalism is largely an illusion, in the sense that we can keep from making distinctions throughout our day. We constantly make choices and base decisions on those choices. However, it is quite possible to learn to keep from judging our fellow humans when we accept that simply by being human, all of us have the capacity for tremendous good and tremendous harm. When we accept that reality, we are able to focus compassion for other people based in our shared human imperfections, while feeling real antipathy for words, behaviors, and beliefs that we find reprehensible. In other words, we are able to have love and compassion for people, while recognizing that there are times when we simply cannot support their choices or where they lead, and in some cases may have to work actively to oppose the ramifications of those choices.

So it is that truth lies in the center, for us and for others. By embracing all parts of who we are, we are able to accept others compassionately for who they are and where they are in their lives, while recognizing that like the yin-yang, no one is all good or bad, male or female, light or darkness, but are indeed comprised of elements of both. It is the curving line of the yin-yang, dividing the two halves at the center that is its most beautiful aspect. The same can be said of us. That’s what it means, I think, to try to remain centered.