I Want Happiness!!

Yesterday, a former student and dear friend who knows well of my Buddhist approach to life sent me a cartoon on Facebook. In the first frame a man is yelling at a Buddhist monk, “I want happiness!!” In the second frame, the monk reaches up and takes down the speech balloon above the man’s head. In the third frame, he places it on the ground, kneels over it and begins erasing words with the sleeve of his robe. As he does so, he says, “First remove “I”, that’s ego. Then remove “want, that’s desire.” In the fourth frame, he stands, turns to the man and says, “Now all you’re left with is…”  and the man says, with a great smile (in big letters in his speech bubble), “HAPPINESS!!!”. This was not the first time I had heard this little story, and perhaps it was the visual attached to it, but it really struck me very hard that these truly are the core of the teachings of the Buddha reduced to their bare essence.

First, let’s look at the part where the monk says, “First remove “I”, that’s ego.” As we all discover, actually accomplishing that can be quite difficult. In Buddhist philosophy, one of the important goals is to recognize that there is indeed no true “self”, no duality; that in fact we are not separate at all, but are one with all that exists. This concept is very difficult to understand, and harder still to assimilate. I do not have a sufficient grasp of it to discuss it here, and in fact I am beginning study of this concept with a Buddhist teacher in September. That said, when we honestly examine the things that cause us stress and unhappiness, it soon becomes obvious that they all have to do with our sense of self and a preoccupation with how everything and everyone in the world in which we live affect us. Our egos have a habit of rearing their heads in every situation and conversation, often blinding us to what is actually happening or being said. I know this because for years my ego got in the way of my ability to find contentment.

 As difficult as it seems, it is quite possible to reframe our point of view so that everything is not filtered through our ego. For example, we are driving and are at a stoplight; the light changes and the driver behind us honks his (or her) horn. Our first reaction is likely to be a desire to “flash the bird” in our rearview mirror and utter a heartfelt “asshole!”  because we have somehow been insulted. That is our ego acting out in all its glory. If we are able to take a step back, remove our ego from the equation, and take another look at the situation, we realize that the bump of the horn is truly of no consequence, and simply a result of whatever the other person is feeling at the moment. Their impatience bears no connection whatsoever to us, and really has no power to make us angry or embarrassed unless we allow it to do so. Seeing it this way enables us to immediately stifle the momentary feeling of anger and say to ourselves, “He (she) must be in a bigger hurry than I am,” and calmly pull away from the light. The result is that we have eliminated our stress reaction and warded off a challenge to our contentment. Many years ago, a student in one of my classes who wanted to get me going said, “You know what…you’re fat and bald!” I could have reacted with indignation to this verbal assault on my position as teacher, thus escalating the confrontation and playing right into his hands. Instead (the observation being true), I chose to remove my ego and replied, “Now we know your eyes work…is there anything else?” He didn’t know what to say since he was aiming at my ego and I had taken his target away. The confrontation simply dissipated and we returned to “Of Mice and Men”.  This kind of reframing takes practice, but the benefits are more than worth it.

In the cartoon, the monk also said, “…then take away want, that’s desire”.  Buddha taught that when we look honestly at the nature of our suffering, it is inevitably tied to frustrated desire. At a talk I recently attended, a Buddhist monk said that when we are born, the moment “I” comes into being, it is immediately accompanied by “my” and “mine”, leading to a life of discontent. This is directly related to the concepts of “self” and “ego” mentioned earlier. When we are feeling discontent or sad, or angry, if we take a step back to look at the reason, we overwhelmingly find that the feeling is tied to our not having something we want. We look at things as they are and decide that they are not to our liking. We hate our job; we want a better one. We don’t like our car any more; we want another one. We are not getting what we think we deserve in a relationship; we want a different one (or a diversion from this one). We don’t like our hair or our bodies; these are too small, that’s too big. We don’t like our clothes any more. People disagree with our religion, our politics, our point of view; we want them to change to our way of thinking. We are having an argument with our spouse or partner and we want to win, to be proven “right”. We see many material things that we believe will make us happy, and we want to acquire them but don’t have enough money; we want more money so we can have more things. Ironically, if do have enough money and we acquire all the things or people we desire, we discover that we’re still not happy and want something else…we want to be happy and we’re not. There is untold suffering in the world; we want it to diminish and disappear. The list is endless, but they all point to the same truth – our lives are filled with desires of many varieties, and any frustration of those desires causes us to suffer in one form or another.  The simple truth is that if we recognize that our desires are the source of our discontent and try to control or eliminate them, our suffering decreases. Before you say, “WTF?”, this does not mean that we should not try to improve ourselves, or change jobs, or change life partners, or escape a situation in which we are abused. It means recognizing the simple truth that regardless of the nature of what we want, our desire to have things be different than they are is the cause of our suffering. Like most other things, desires are neither good nor bad in themselves. Many of the things we desire are good, and compassionate, and necessary for our well-being and the well-being of others. Our desire for them can  motivate our actions to change or improve our lives or the world at large.

When we understand that we are not individuals, but are a piece of the universe integrally connected to every other piece, it allows our focus to shift away from ourselves and what we want and onto the needs of those other parts of the universe, be they people, animals, or the earth itself. Thus is compassion and happiness born.