It's been a long time since I've penned a blog entry. There are
many reasons for that, some of which are directly related to this particular
blog. So here goes.
I like to see myself as kind, compassionate and at peace with
myself and others. Of late, the first two continue to be true, but number three…not
so much. People whom I love and respect, family members and friends, have
pointed out to me recently that basically I've become argumentative and quick
to anger, and not always pleasant to be around. This is very different for me.
Usually I can move through life's little challenges with aplomb and good humor.
Lately, I've been yelling at the TV, at other drivers (only to myself), and at
the newspaper and letters to the editor. I've been argumentative when family
members have disagreed with me, even over the most trivial things, and how
foolish is that? I certainly have been dealing with stuff in my own life...I've
finally recovered from an E. Coli UTI that took two months and many, many
strong antibiotics to cure. Also, and this is the first time I have made this
public online, I am in the middle of radiation treatment for prostate cancer.
(This is going quite well and the prognosis is extremely positive because the
amount of cancer is very small and we caught it early.) I mention this only
because I've been using these last two things as an excuse for my verbally aggressive
behavior. The truth is, as has been pointed out to me, this has been going on
for the last year. Once confronted with this, I needed to get at the source
immediately because this is definitely not the Chuck Rinaldi I wish to present
to the world, and certainly not to my wife, who is my rock, or to everyone I
else I care about.
I began to go back to
mindfulness meditation, something I had been neglecting because I thought I was
in a poor place to just sit with my thoughts. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Meditation was exactly what I needed.
As I sat, and let my thoughts come as they might, I tried to look
at what was really going on with me. I had a simple but profound bit of
insight. I had forgotten two things I have been telling other people for years:
1) The problem is not our preferences (biases) but rather our attachment to
them; 2) The key is to just LET GO. As I continued to sit, I realized that the
preferences and biases I had become terribly connected to all had to do with
politics - local, national, and world. As I surfed Facebook, I would feel
myself getting angrier and angrier when presented with opinions and beliefs
that were in direct conflict with what I believe. I would share many
provocative posts essentially attacking opinions with which I disagreed. A
friend I cared about actually unfriended me because she had gotten tired of my
constant ranting posts. I now understand
why she needed to do that and I'm sorry I made her feel that way. With
meditation, I have come to realize that my political biases are simply my
preferences for how I would like the world to be. The fact that the preferences
of others may be in direct contrast to mine is simply not important enough to
allow my personal balance to be impacted. They certainly have a right to
believe what they do and to express it in the hopes that others may agree with
them.
The decision I have made, and which has already resulted in my
feeling much more calm and at peace, is simply to let go of my attachment to my
preferences and in so doing, the anger that accompanied it. Perhaps the most
important discovery (or if I am being truthful, re-discovery) is that doing so
has been so very easy and so freeing. It is a personal decision, entirely
within my control: Just. Let. Go. In
order to do so, I am no longer reading any of the FB posts that stirred my
negative reactions and I am doing the same with the many political emails I receive. I am not deleting them; I am simply going by
them. That is the mindful choice I am making each time that will help me to
remain aware in the moment and to make the compassionate decision each and
every time.
I have not given up my
preferences for how I wish people would treat others...I know I cannot
reasonably accomplish that...but I am giving up my need for others to agree
with me. I will continue to work for the changes I wish to see, but I will do
so through teaching, at the ballot box, and by writing letters to the editor, not
by haranguing people to see things my way.
Breaking my attachment to my preferences is having the effect of
breaking the chain of the anchor (anger) that has been holding me down and
keeping me from being who I have been in the past and who I wish to be
again. Letting go is allowing me to heal
myself. I am beginning to understand what is meant by the "incredible
lightness of being".
