Now Just Wait a Minute...

In the Sunday New York Times today, there was an article called, “Why Waiting in Line is Torture.” The article was about the psychology of waiting in line and the various attempts to use that psychology to make the queue experience less frustrating (think of the zig-zagging, serpentine lines at the Disney parks as a perfect example). If you think about the different lines you have to stand in at any given time and the way you feel when you do, you probably have a sense of what I’m talking about. Now, think of the behavior you have seen exhibited by those around you (and perhaps yourself) in those lines. People fidget, complain, sigh loudly, check their watches every 30 seconds or so, and get more anxious and irritable as their wait continues. People sometimes take out their frustrations on the often poorly- paid cashiers or ticket takers because they need somewhere to focus their anger at the effrontery of their having been delayed in getting to whatever it is they need or want to do next. There have even been examples of “line rage.” Last week in Maryland, a man stabbed another man at a post office because he thought (it turns out incorrectly) that the man had cut ahead of him in line. Much of this derives from filtering these situations through our egos and sense of entitlement and self-importance. ”Why should I have to wait so long? What’s wrong with these people? I have important things to do!” So much stress…and in reality, so unnecessary.

If we stop to look at the reality of these occurrences, it becomes obvious that the stress and anxiety we are feeling are of our own making, arising directly from the way we are interpreting the situation. We are upset because this is somehow not the way we desire things to be (for a closer look at this, see my last blog posting on desire as the root of suffering). The good news, however, is that because it is of our own making, it is also in our power to change it.

While I was reading the afore-mentioned article, I was reminded of one of my very favorite books, Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. When I was teaching, this book was, every year, the source of the most important life lessons I could have imparted, and to this this day, a book to which my former students still refer. The book is essentially a retelling of the journey taken by the Buddha on his way to enlightenment. Like our lives, it is a quest in which he learns from each experience he has and each person he meets, with each lesson learned helping him with the challenge next to come. One of the most very significant things he learns comes at the beginning of the story. He wishes to leave home to begin his own life’s journey, and his father forbids him to do so. What Siddhartha does in the face of that refusal is to stand in his father’s chamber and wait, with no sense whatsoever of how long he will need to do so. He simply waits…and waits… and waits… until his father acknowledges his resolve and relents. He doesn’t argue or allow himself to get upset or angry…he just waits, letting it take whatever time it is going to take. And that is the secret.

This proved to be one of the most important life lessons I ever learned, and has had an enormous influence on the way I have chosen to live. Impatience was something I often struggled with, and it was a great source of frustration for me. Learning to recognize and accept that things will simply take the time they take… whether in a check-out line at the grocery store, leaving the parking lot after a concert, sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for my number to be called at the deli or the motor vehicle department, waiting at the airport to go through security, or waiting to get off the airplane after a long flight…has since shielded me from unnecessary stress in one situation after another. What I learned from Siddhartha was, to quote the great John Lennon, “Let it be.” If we just allow ourselves to let go of the idea that whatever we are experiencing is somehow taking too long, no anxiety or stress arises, because we have released ourselves from the desire that the situation be any different than it is. Saying to ourselves, “what is taking place is going to take whatever time it takes,” and being willing to accept the reality of that simple truth, is like escaping the confines of a stifling room and taking a breath of cool fresh air.

Ultimately, it is about letting go of the idea that we can control everything around us, and allowing ourselves to live in the moment, and letting that moment and the next, and the next, be just what they are. What we can control in our lives are our own reactions to whatever happens or is going on, by controlling how we choose to look at them. Truly, one of the very best gifts each of us can give to ourselves is the sense of tranquility that immediately occurs if we can just…wait a minute.